1. You have sent 99 mails but still no reply? Maybe I have not noticed! Email #100 is sure to grab my attention and get you a speedy response! Perhaps send 5 or 6 emails at once every day. Title them READ THIS!!!1 because I respond well when people yell demands at me.
2. May be an accident with a SPAM FILTER! By mistake I pushed the wrong button and blocked you – easy – just make a new email account and try sending from there! Maybe a new address every couple of weeks. You can probably find my work email and hit that as well, because I would never need that clear for any work stuff.
3. Oh no maybe I am thinking these are business letters. Attach funny pictures to the mails! Make them as big as you can sure to get big laffs! Oh and that MP3 of the track you hummed on the john last night it’s pretty cool. Just attach them, that media sharing thing is too hard to work out. You can get at least 20MB or more into every mail, the server won’t choke.
4. I am sure to want to know how you are doing today person-I-have-never-met! Tell me about what your budgie did today! Or maybe about how the hernia is holding up. After all, you bought a record I made 20 years ago so we are friends right! As for me, well I obviously have plenty of time, I mean I am musician or something and just sit around all day waiting for mail. There could never be something more important going on.
5. Yeah, true it would be pretty cool if I came and played the old songs at your party for free. I’ll just gather up all the guys that haven’t died yet and fly right over. Wait – why don’t I dig up the corpses as well! When I next visit Canada I am sure welcome to your couch! That’s a tour right there.
6. Yeah that record you bought 20 years ago was real sweet it was the one you played to that girl that you used to like. Yeah did you ever tell me that? Don’t know if I might have made some music since then but that was your favorite. Did I ever do anything after that? Might get it off a torrent someday.
7. I must be a really wacky guy! I am sure to like it if you write really drugged out gone stuff! Like you were a real schizo! Make sure that the email has lots of WEIRD rambling artist stuff in it! Oh you are a wacky artist too! That’s great we are so in tune with each other now!
8. Absolutely I would drop everything if you were ever to come to Australia and just hang around showing you the sights. Because whatever I do now mustn’t involve any real workload or responsibility.
9. Maybe if you start making vague threats you can get a response. Just tell me how hurt you are that we aren’t bros and what you might do to make that happen. Nothing violent, just showing up on my doorstep unexpectedly with a surprise or posting the incriminating videos you have been recording in my bathroom for the last decade. But we are still in love, right?
10. This is the best one: write me a mail saying that I’m a prick and you aren’t gonna write me any more mails. Do that for years running.