Roland Clown 🧻🧻 The tears of a clown.

UPDATED 13 NOVEMBER 2021

When cancelling my Ultimate Roland Clown Subscription I was asked to pick one reason. The pity was that I couldn’t pick ALL OF THE ABOVE. That seems cruel but it’s true – I don’t use the plugins that much, I didn’t see much range of sounds, the constantly updating App is a complete log-in the arse… why go on?

There’s plenty of others who can sell you the same noise for less. Roland has descended in self-plagiarism with the Zenology system. They’ve only just popped out a copy of the JD800 which you can throw in the pile alongside the XV5080 et al as Been There Done That Many Time Thanks Already.

I do have the advantage of owning most of the good hardware and software and will keep running the free version to keep them. Maybe if you joined up recently it makes some sense. Maybe.

But surely Roland could try come up with something past the turn of the century?
We Are Not Korg isn’t much of a sales pitch any more.

So I’ve edited this article to speak more of what I got out of the deal, past tense.

I’d already paid for most of these as ‘plug outs’ and was annoyed to have to rent (such an ugly word when ‘subscribe’ sounds so charming) them again to be able to have others. Like Adobe, Roland have found that holding their customers by the balls is rather warm and comfy – not for the customer mind you. And like Adobe, Roland’s cloud has some things you want mixed with wiffy leftovers.

I don’t really get some of the priorities here – a software PRO-MARS doesn’t offer that much over other mono-synths and the SH2 is as dull as ditch water (as was the hardware). The JUNO-106 is fair enough I guess, but the JX-3P was originally designed for people who didn’t care much for synthesisers, and it has maintained that distinction since. A collection should be based on sonic versatility, that each component has a virtue not covered by the others. The Roland ‘sound’ is here ad nauseum, and you end up using only a few of these instruments for actual music. They’re trying to sell breadth, where breadth isn’t their strong point.

The best deal in the box is the D50. It’s such an odd machine when you try program it yourself, but the people that made the original patches included here did an excellent job. The sounds are varied and useful, they complement the analogue sounds so popular at the moment. Yes, it’s ‘legendary’ but it’s also useful and you will use it. It comes with a reproduction of the original programmer which is a pity, that was a confused monster which was later improved upon by third parties – and the V-Synth.

I own a real XV5080 and the emulation is quite good – except here there are no samples allowed and that’s what makes my particular hardware shine. Omnisphere can do it!? Perhaps why no V-Synth either? I paid for this one, for when I am too lazy to plug in the zip disk.

The JUPITER-8 is fine. Arturia’s JUP-8 has recently been updated and some ways (for example in oscillator drift) outshines Roland’s version but with adjustment they are close. Other virtual analogues like the SH101 seem spot-on. I own both the SH101 and the Jupiter.

I almost forgot to mention the TR808 and TR909. They’re fine. They sound like the old drum boxes, as do a thousand other replicas out there. Not going to miss these as I have some hardware.

The System-100 is OK I guess. Almost bought the hardware once but didn’t have anywhere to put it. When it comes down to it, it looks more fun than it sounds. If I was going for that I would instead go for this. It’s another one I already owned as a Plug-Out, currently in the System-8.

And that’s about it. I don’t want any of the patches, or their sampler library or whatever else. The SRX boxes are OK but how many 12-bit horn sections are you going to use? There’s nothing coming up on the radar. It’s up to them to bring some excitement back into their audience, and maybe they should be Korg.

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